Shared ground rules for in-person meetings

We meet to speak honestly, listen and move forward together. No one needs to have the answers, share a particular belief or be at a certain place in life. Our rules exist to create safety and make room for everyone.

→ See the 15 meeting topics based on the five phases

What is personal stays in the room

We don't reveal who attends or pass on anyone else's story. No photos or recordings. You may share what you have experienced and learned yourself, but never anyone else's personal details.

You choose what you share

You are welcome to speak, listen or pass. No one is pressured to tell, explain themselves or take part in an exercise. We respect each other's boundaries.

We listen without trying to fix each other

One person speaks at a time. We don't interrupt, judge or give unsolicited advice. We speak from our own experience and avoid telling others how they should live.

Everyone has a place – no one stands above another

We share the time and let different experiences and perspectives exist. No belief, doctrine or person has interpretive priority. The meeting host keeps the format and helps the group follow the rules. The responsibility can be shared and rotated.

We take responsibility for how we treat each other

Threats, harassment, discrimination and sexual advances do not belong here. We take part without being under the influence of alcohol or drugs. The meeting host must intervene when someone breaks the rules and may, if needed, ask the person to leave the meeting. Care for one person must never mean that others have to feel unsafe.

We protect the purpose of the meeting

The meeting exists for community, self-reflection and action in everyday life. It is not used for selling, recruiting or promoting religious or political messages. Any contributions are voluntary and shared costs are reported openly. No one should have to pay to belong.

The meeting host reads before every meeting

“Welcome to Burned Illusions. Here you may come as you are. You choose what you want to share, and it's just as okay to simply listen. We speak one at a time, from ourselves, and listen without judging or giving unsolicited advice. We don't pass on each other's stories. Together we are responsible for making room for everyone.”

On safety and responsibility

We expect everyone to respect the confidentiality, but we cannot guarantee what other participants do. If there is an immediate danger to someone's life or safety, we seek help. The meetings are support between people and do not replace professional care.

15 meeting topics based on the five phases

Each topic can be used as the starting point for a meeting. Read the short text aloud and let the questions open up sharing. The questions are suggestions – nothing needs to be answered. Share from your own experience, and remember that it is always okay to simply listen.

Tap a heading to expand the text and the sharing questions.

Phase 1. Awareness – seeing myself and what I avoid

Sometimes we react before we have time to feel. We say yes, withdraw or fill the day with things that keep us busy. Discovering a pattern gives us a chance to choose the next step.

Suggestions for sharing: When do I notice that I'm on autopilot? Is there a situation where I want to pause and make a different choice?

We all have our own ways of seeking relief when something feels hard. What helps in the moment can sometimes leave us out of touch with ourselves or others. We can look at it without judging ourselves.

Suggestions for sharing: What do I usually do when a feeling becomes uncomfortable? What would help me meet it at a pace I can handle?

We can become so used to being strong, helpful or successful that we barely notice what the role costs. Here there is room to explore what feels true for us, even when it doesn't fit others' expectations.

Suggestions for sharing: What role do I often take on in front of others? When do I feel that I can be myself?

Phase 2. Responsibility – taking responsibility for my patterns and actions

We can't control everything that happens or how others behave. But often there is something we can do: set a boundary, ask for help or change how we act ourselves. Responsibility begins where our power to influence lies.

Suggestions for sharing: What do I spend energy on that I can't control? What small step lies within my power to influence?

Sometimes we hurt others, even when it wasn't our intention. Taking responsibility can mean listening to how someone was affected, acknowledging what we did and changing our behaviour.

Suggestions for sharing: When have I taken responsibility for something I did? Is there something I want to do differently going forward, without demanding forgiveness or a particular response?

Understanding a pattern doesn't always mean it changes. Change can begin with a small action that we repeat, even on days when motivation is missing.

Suggestions for sharing: What do I know I need to do but keep putting off? What concrete and realistic step do I want to take before the next meeting?

Phase 3. Acceptance – letting go of the struggle with what already is

Acceptance can begin with saying: this is what my life looks like right now. It doesn't mean we like everything or should stay in something that harms us. It helps us start from reality when we choose what we need to do.

Suggestions for sharing: What do I find hard to admit to myself right now? What would become possible if I started where I actually am?

Planning and trying to influence is natural. But sometimes the attempts to secure every outcome take more energy than we have. We can practise leaving some questions open while still taking care of what is our responsibility.

Suggestions for sharing: What am I trying to control right now? What would it look like to give a little more room to uncertainty?

When something goes wrong, our inner voice can turn harsh. We can be honest about our mistakes and still treat ourselves with respect. That can make it easier to try again.

Suggestions for sharing: What do I say to myself when I'm not enough? How would I want to meet myself in that same situation?

Phase 4. Community – opening up to others and finding belonging

Closeness can awaken both longing and fear. Letting someone see a little more of us doesn't have to mean telling everything. We get to choose what we share, with whom and when.

Suggestions for sharing: What makes it easier for me to be honest with others? Is there something small I would like to dare to express?

For some, it is easier to help than to need someone. Asking for support can feel unfamiliar, especially if we are used to managing on our own. We can practise saying what we need without apologising for the need.

Suggestions for sharing: What happens in me when I need help? What support would I like to ask for right now?

Community needs room for both yes and no. Clear boundaries help us be together without losing ourselves. We also need to be able to meet other people's boundaries with respect.

Suggestions for sharing: When do I say yes when I mean no? How can I express a boundary while remaining respectful?

Phase 5. Direction and meaning – living in line with what matters

It's easy to fill life with things we are expected to want. Pausing can help us discover what we value ourselves – and whether it has room in everyday life.

Suggestions for sharing: When does my life feel meaningful? What do I want to give more time and attention?

What we value takes shape through how we act. Care, honesty or courage can show in a conversation, a decision or an everyday habit. Small actions can help us live closer to what we stand for.

Suggestions for sharing: Which value do I want to live by more? How could it show in a concrete action this week?

Contributing can be listening, keeping a promise or helping with something practical. We find ways that fit our capacity and our boundaries. We belong even when we have nothing to give.

Suggestions for sharing: What would I like to contribute in my relationships or in the community? How can I do that without forgetting my own needs?