ACCEPTANCE IS NOT SAYING IT WAS OKAY

Accepting what happened can mean acknowledging that it is part of your reality. It doesn't have to mean that you think it was right, forgive someone or stop trying to change what is still possible to influence.

“You have to accept it.” The words can sound like a closed door. Like someone asking you to stop protesting something that actually hurt. Therefore, acceptance needs to be a word you get to explore, not a demand someone else places on you.

WHAT DOES ACCEPTANCE MEAN HERE

Here we use acceptance to describe a starting point: this is what I have to deal with right now. You don't have to like the starting point. You also don't have to know what to do with it yet.

Imagine that a friend repeatedly cancels at the last minute. You have told me how it affects you. Yet it happens again. Admitting that pattern can hurt, especially if you've been waiting a long time for the next time to be different.

You can still wish for the friend to change. At the same time, you can start planning based on how the contact has actually worked: book something that does not depend on a single message, or refrain from a meeting you cannot bear to be disappointed by again. Acceptance then becomes a basis for a choice.

BOUNDARIES MAY REMAIN

The fact that something has happened does not give anyone the right to continue doing it. You can say no, distance yourself and ask for support even if you have accepted that the past cannot be undone. You don't have to forgive someone to set a boundary.

If what is going on is threatening or dangerous, the question of protection and help is more urgent than finding the right approach to it. Acceptance should never be used as an argument that you must stay.

There are also things that can be changed jointly. Recognizing unfair conditions can be the start of organizing, speaking out or seeking support. Reality does not become less real because you try to change it.

YOU DON'T NEED TO FEEL DONE

You can understand that something has happened and still be angry about it again on Thursday. Missing can remain after a well-thought-out decision. Those feelings don't have to mean you've failed to accept.

The problem with making acceptance a goal to be met is that another struggle can begin: now you also have to get rid of your own reaction. It is possible to let a feeling be unfinished and still choose how you want to act in a concrete situation.

A WAY TO SEPARATE REALITY FROM DESIRE

Choose something casual and limited. Write what you actually know first. In the example with the friend: "Two of our last three meetings were canceled on the same day." Then write what you wanted: "I want to be able to trust our plans."

Notice the difference between those sentences. One describes a sequence of events. The other shows what is important to you. Both are needed when you think about what you want to do now.

Formulate a possible next step that is within reach. It could be a call, a changed agreement or waiting until you have more energy. You don't have to make a big decision for the exercise to be meaningful.

In the fourth phase of Burned Illusions we explore resistance and acceptance without demanding gratitude for what has hurt. You may want a different life. The question is where you can start, given the conditions that exist today.

What could you admit as true without having to say it was okay?